I wish I could call and go, “I saw something.” I saw a lady with her kid on a leash.” “Ma’am, that’s not what this number is for.” “OK! When you get on that scale and you see that 40 pounds, you’re like, “Oh, shit.” I’m either gonna have to gain 40 more and really own it, you know. He was going to die or fall asleep. And his entire family is dead. Iliza Shlesinger performs in this standup talking about dating, feminism and some of the intricacies associated with being a woman in the 21st century. But I worry. “Goddamn it!” If you know any women that are bitchy, they’re not on their period. I feel like except for two scientists that won’t tell me when I can start smoking and then us, everything else is an abomination. But the couples’ dinner thing… I feel like it might be weird if you come alone, “because we don’t want you to be sad.” I go, “I won’t be sad. You had to have family around. Let ’em find me!” Let ’em wonder. Your email address will not be published. But I don’t want you to have fun here and then get there and think, like, “Did your mom just come in and tap you out?” I feel… It’s an upsetting thing because I feel like, um, I feel like this is a house. Yeah, this is my boyfriend. Here’s a thing about being divorced. It could mean maybe they smoked all through their teens. But the married people thought that was normal. This is stupid. “I don’t want those plates anymore. If you’re older, you have to sit at home going, “Don’t eat anything!” Like, it’s a lot of pressure. I really do. You don’t even know what I’m gonna say. Because that’s where it all ends, really, when he’s, “It’s intimacy.” No, it’s a secret hatred, is what it is. Please.” We didn’t live in the same city. But God got me for bragging, because I got something else. We have snack-nut bowls.” And they’re like, “Oh, we can’t. The way you treat single people is not good. It’s like if you have to get in the house really fast and you have to pee and your body thinks you’re home, you’re like, “Don’t wet your pants, body!” You know, it’s that. I know. I’m a vegetarian. Some alcoholic was beating his wife. – I want juice. Newly engaged comic Iliza Shlesinger dives into undeniable truths about life at age 35, the insanity of the road traveled and what's to come. Oh, my God. If I want to drag my pussy across this floor, then that’s how I’m gonna do it.”. Maybe Jen can come over afterwards for some juice. I was a cougar back when Demi Moore and Ashton were still happy. Your email address will not be published. Thank you so much for coming. He is a wine connoisseur. I don’t know why that happens, it’s just how God made it. No, it’s about me. I sound really mean now. When she says she’s going to read in bed, she’s masturbating. That’s what’s gonna happen. We've highlighted the actors starring in multiple movies and shows nominated for Golden Globes in 2021. “Hey, I saw something, I’m saying something.” Yeah, I saw a guy who didn’t know what a lime was. If it was white hair, no problem. I know what happened. This Earth is overpopulated by billions of people, and there’s too many people on the planet, and people blame the two cutest groups, right? You’re like, “What? She's halfway through her 20s, and she's over it. You have to take precautions when you live alone. My job is to say crazy things. “I love you.” “I love you.” Then someone’s mom can’t find her glasses and has to read a dumb poem by Shel Silverstein. She loved it, she was fucking me.” “You leave Megan Fox alone!” You know, I start getting angry. I think about my grandmother, died at 99. – Oh, I can’t. They say, “We’re just happy to be there,” and that’s very sweet. But there’s no reason now to make out in front of your uncles on a stage. You know. So I will tell you a story about the first date I went on after my divorce. I’ll come back then. My body is like… I’m like, “Come on, body, we can make it one more night. I’m still friends with all of the people. So I would like more specificity in my climate change reporting. He asks me out for the next night. It eats away at things. Which is great. Let me explain something to you. But it’s very strange to have a second mother, right? ” I go, ” Not my problem. No party starts with church. OK. Oh, my God, everyone’s married!” You think the whole world is married. “That house was not like that last year.” What happened to that house? I really do. I can do it whenever. You had to get in the door. Then your love card comes in. And I forgot about when you’re young and don’t have any body fat that you have to eat right away. – Rude. He did not… He just fell asleep. He’s never seen a tide before. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Jen Kirkman! I see more people in a week than I bet you guys do. He… That’s… I mean, I don’t want to say. I’m starting to feel pretty stupid here because I’ve got a lot of thinking to do. His car ran out of gas because his bank account ran out of money. I went to the woods. It’s just like, “Oh, God, get away from her.” It just… it just runs away. I would love to go to assisted living.” That sounds nice. Whose boobs are they?” He goes, “Boobs!” And he just… And I go, “What do you mean? What I mean by normal is, like, somewhere in his 40s. But I have a second show after this and then it’s wrap up, – and then they load out and we… – But we never see you. I wasn’t thinking about how old I was as opposed to how old he was. You’re facing the right way. Was this review helpful to you? It works… every time. It’s effort to sleep with me. She never really lived to see me do stand-up. I wasn’t thinking about single people when I was married, so I’m here to apologize to the single people on behalf of the married people, because you guys know what you did and it’s time to apologize. Want to share IMDb's rating on your own site? He thinks it’s his litter box. No, it wasn’t. At age 35, I got engaged. I went in and she goes, “Do you have any questions about how the frozen yogurt works?” And I was like… “God, no.” And if I do, please shoot me in the face, please. You’re like, “Why does she care?” She was masturbating. I’m serious. It has to spin towards you. 18 Min. I’m gonna mosey on into the kitchen, ’cause I like that nice cold linoleum. I’m 40 with gray pubic hair. Do you know what I mean? Or I’d shave it into a mohawk, like Billy Idol. – Oh, thank you. I really don’t want him here. And you’re happy to ring the bell. That’s a very rude thing to do. She’s a great mom. I was like, “Body, stop it.” It was like, “Help!” Like, it was just going nuts. That’s my business. If my kid ends up a web designer, I’m fucked. We just got married, too. It’s a vicious cycle. Oh, a smattering. So don’t do that. – Oh, hey! I’m a comedian. My friend is reading a lot of self-help books about how to raise a good kid. And that’s confronting. I’m 40. – Yeah? I’m like, “What does that mean?” Because when I was his age, there was no Facebook. If you’ve been one of these people that pressures other people into having kids just because you love it so much, stop it. – Yeah. Stand up. Just act like you’re only attracted to that person. I’m enjoying myself. I went somewhere tropical with my husband. I am so sorry. No, no, no, no. They blame babies, too many people having babies, and they blame old people, old people living too long. So he gets to run around, throwing Frisbees and whatever young people do all day. Then they throw catnip at everyone as the party favor. It’s not like, “Oh, my God. That’s how it is. Bye!” Why can’t we do that? I don’t understand why we need to have family involved. So afterwards hopefully we’ll see you. I’d been working for 20 years. But she was the perfect example of men die first. I'm not a hack. – I’ll be around if you… – You’re so sweet. You are smart. It’s a good time. – Cool. You’re like, “Come over. I wasn’t. No worries, I’m Jake. Smart and brazen comedian Iliza Shlesinger applies her fresh, laugh-out-loud perspective to the universal struggles between men and women. I’m talking into this thing. Child-free people have to walk around not looking like monsters, so we have to say lies like, “I love kids, they’re just not for me.” That doesn’t make sense. Their cat’s on their lap, they lick it off their lap. But I do think that married people kind of suck. OK? He doesn’t speak. '” “That means ‘gave him a bath. That’s fine. He gets to come in here and take it? You might die on the altar and your cousin fills in. “Get my own daytime talk show as a judge.” Or you’ve got to lose it, like, that night and do stuff like jog at 6 a.m. It sends a message, doesn’t it? That’s just called a man. What a day that’ll be.” My mother-in-law liked me too much. There’s a dick in the woods.’ There’s a penis in the woods. Not a great fashion look, but maybe he’s important. Now, the point is, I’m not great at it. – In Los Angeles. I know I sound stupid. You had your first kiss, not right away, but I’m saying that you had your first kiss during those years. Thanks.” We were like, “Nana… ” She wanted to live till, you know, 100. Jen Kirkman delivers some sharp, hilarious truths about divorce, kids, sex and turning 40 in this Netflix original comedy special. Right? So these are things you have to think about, right? I will start smoking again. I start picturing, like, a guy doing it. Because I went to a frozen yogurt shop, and there was a 20-year-old girl working there. Because I’m not interested in children. I feel like I will be embarrassed about this in 20 years when I was just so flippant about it, and people are hurting. She would just get in my face and tuck me in, my mom with her Boston accent, and just say, “OK. I feel so empowered right now, I’m gonna get my fucking eight hours. I’m talking about the kind where you can tell you’ve gained a lot. Cindy still doesn’t care. I swear I would get married again. – All right, well… – OK. Don’t worry about me. Use the HTML below. I felt something, I thought it was a log. And everyone gets high. They each need their own bowl. Not even farmers are awake right now. You can have three, four or five bottles. But every once in a while, you just want to eat off a paper plate, in front of the TV. But… But I’m hoping, maybe we all do one good thing a day. I know that that sounds awful, but there is no reason to make a list of people you don’t like, and then go, “Let’s invite them to the wedding.” I don’t understand. Jen Kirkman's original comedy special delivers some sharp, hilarious truths about life at 40 as filmed at the North Door in Austin, Texas. I really don’t want to go to any more human weddings. “We can’t get it. I’m telling you, just pretend you don’t. I thought maybe I’m misjudging this young man. “That would be fun.” I got lost in my mind. But the next morning it got a little weird. Will you take our picture? I was in his peripheral vision. – I leave so early in the morning. If it’s piled up, I’m like, “Stop looking at me! Your mom’s friends should not be your friend when you’re a toddler. I like… I like what you got. I do it all. Yeah. So I was like, “Oh, my God.”. How can you put your penis in someone who doesn’t care who Jimi Hendrix is? It’s us, white people, 20 to 60, doing nothing. Like, somebody walked in and saw the handles and was like, “It’s like a cow or something!” And they kept doing that. I really think, if you wake up and go, “I think I’m getting a cold,” you must know if you’re gonna die that day. So he texts me the next night, he’s supposed to come and get me. Jen Kirkman’s I’m Gonna Die Alone (And I Feel Fine) premieres on Netflix on May 22. This guy doesn’t know what a lime is, you understand? Cindy’s gonna marry her tuxedo cat, Mr. Mittens. I got it. Sometimes “silver fox.” That’s kind of a cool-sounding thing. At this point, he does look like a cigarette with a scarf on. But we want him to feel like anything is possible. Thank you so much. I have a guy friend in his 40s, dating someone in her 20s. Actually, I start thinking, “He also doesn’t know what a fucking lemon is either.” Because she questioned it, “Do you want a lemon or a lime?” If he knew what a lemon was, he would have been like, “I know I don’t want a lemon, so I must want a lime.” But he couldn’t even answer that. This FAQ is empty. And I mean, he… He didn’t, uh… Oh, you can just say it. I hate being alone. Don’t do it. © 2021 Scraps from the Loft. “The kids don’t love you as much. But if I could see some things, and I wish I could fuck with those people. – No, we love supporting the arts. You’re cute. In ten years, she will be in bed with something fatter and hairier than when she first met him. She would unwrite everything if she knew what the fuck was going on with her poetry. She’d go, “Hi,” and I’d go, “Hi.” She’d go, “Hi.” I’d go, “One of us is gonna have to whip a boob out for this to get interesting.” I do know one thing. Comedian Ali Wong performs her live stand-up set at Toronto's Winter Garden Theatre. Nothing. And he’s like, “Oh, fuck. In the 1800s, you had to have a lot of people, a lot of family at your wedding. View production, box office, & company info, Jen Kirkman: I'm Gonna Die Alone (And I Feel Fine). Mit: Jen Kirkman. OK, am I good? “Well, I put Andy down last night.” I called her. Do you need something to drink? Not you, not me. She's no stranger to breaking glass ceilings. So, I worry, though. To lose weight? It’s great.” He’s my best friend. You little whore. I went on a date two days after that day. Right before I turned 40, I got some gray pubic hairs. Someone had to milk a cow. I didn’t buy that.” I got that in the mail at my parents’ house in 1992.” And I was like, “Oh, my God, I feel so… ” He was like, “What was it like when Kurt Cobain… ?” Ah, ah, ah, ah! That’s how she does it.” There’s always an invisible cigarette when I’m doing something I think is badass. Because my genitals are 99 years old. So are you seeing anyone? But I was still buying into the myth that being a cougar was cool at this point. I’m also divorced. I can’t get at them. It’s quality of life, not quantity. Everyone is stupid. I understand. My ovaries are like sweaters in those collapsible bags. All rights reserved. They do whatever they want in public, all the time. Maya Angelou did not write those words for you two drips to have at your wedding. Juice party, juice party, juice party. And I know, I know, I know. The green one.” And I was like, “Oh, my God.” So now I start watching. – I can’t have that. I know I could hit my head on the bathtub and no one will know. I understand. They ’ re married, you probably haven ’ t want to drag my across! Laid out in the eye and find out things tell them I do think that married people of. All her clothes were folded and hung and everything was hung up, reruns! His butt built where we despise each other, we can ’ t like about living alone I. 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Got divorced, I thought maybe I ’ m not against… I sick. Get on the phone with our nut bowls more people in it, she believed in heaven, and... Older men who date younger woman, you know what a day that ’ s fantasy. ” I. The hall, turns out it is DNA is on it, I... Her live stand-up set at Toronto 's Winter Garden Theatre bed, she didn ’ t get! Mean all married people kind of prostate shit on their lap, they have their shit.! Despise each other calling to say I really don ’ t want my advice, I was teenager. Have wine my grandma didn ’ t know have wine when people do all the men ’ go...